when i was beginning to conceive of this trapeze piece at the end of december 08, i made a list of my goals.

1. unusual transitions/drops
2. more postmodern than classical circus; tricks invisible
3. easy and joy, flow; light, sweeping, free
4. include tricks i want to show off
5. air, openness, space
6. repetitive patterns

i also made a list of tricks i wanted to include. the final piece includes very few of the orginally listed tricks, but meets all of my goals (as far as i can tell from my perspective), even though i haven’t looked back at that list all month. i feel immensely satisfied about this.

last week, watching a video of myself rehearsing the piece, i thought maybe it was about uncertainty, exploration, hesitance. i’m in an uncertain, exploratory phase in my life right now, so that made sense. but today i realized that over the past week my movements have become much more sure. even though the choreography still hints at indecision, when i move i feel a sense of ease and grandness. first i thought i had accidentally gone in the wrong direction over the past week, and then i realized i’d arrived right where i’d planned to be. ease, joy, flow. running the piece feels good. it feels like dancing.

i conceived of this piece on a formal level and i’m still not sure what it is on a human, emotional level. i think that even without my having a specific intention there, it is something. it’s me being human on a trapeze; there’s no way for it to be emotionally blank. but what is it? am i okay with not knowing? will i find out once i perform it? is there perhaps value to not knowing — allowing the peice to be free to  resonate however it may with each individual?